When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
You Might Also Like
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by