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I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Girl, same.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.