Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
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me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
eggs benadryl
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Born to be mild.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*