[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair