“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
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When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then