A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
5 ways to appear taller
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash