I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”