What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
You Might Also Like
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.