“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
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Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
May have had one breakfast too many
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?