I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
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Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.