Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
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My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
japanese corn
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of