Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.