“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
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Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Schrödinger’s cookie
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find