What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!