I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
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At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.