A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me driving through Toronto
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”