Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
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Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!