who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
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Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Donating blood today to make room for more food
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
saw this in a dream
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.