It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
I am patiently waiting for your email
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
dude it’s called proctologist
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days