Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
You Might Also Like
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair