me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
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ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2