Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
this was the best i’ve ever seen
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.