“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Breaking news:
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can