[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip