My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.