The real reason evolution started..😂
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day