Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.