If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
⛄️
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
My spirit animal is fried chicken