5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.