What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date