My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
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Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
dads on road-trips be like
bought wrong eggs
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.