Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
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sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Who says great literature is dead?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
When you’re here for the treats.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this