I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.