humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?