Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
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when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.