me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
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I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Body by cheese-puffs.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.