I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
You Might Also Like
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves