I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are