if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.