Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
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I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Guys, I found it.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info