Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
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I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?