Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
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YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff