Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
so much to do
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up