WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Just a bush.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.