*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
You Might Also Like
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
another case of gang violins