Why would I want to fund a crowd?
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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Come back with a warrant
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal