The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
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The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Natural selection at its finest
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food