Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.