Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
You Might Also Like
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
LOL!
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen