Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
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A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Netflix and awkward silence?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster